Draco and Hermione: a not so perfect fairytale
by db93
Summary: A parody of the cliched DracoHermione fics.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

This is a parody of all those clichéd Draco/Hermione fics. No offence to anyone.

Hermione Granger suddenly decided she needed a makeover because the author decided that Draco Malfoy was going to fall in love with her. So, Hermione gets this huge makeover and suddenly goes from a bushy-haired freak to a slender, curvaceous beauty queen, with "her long brown hair falling in soft curls behind her back". She rolled out of her bed and suddenly an owl swooped in and knocked her to the floor. " Watch it" she muttered and then remembered that she had to be happy and cheerful. "Watch it!" she said happily. She opened the letter from Hogwarts and found out that she had been made Head Girl. _Ya, whatever_, she thought, _I always knew it would be me. _No, the author and all the fans reminded her, you're supposed to jump around the bed and go "yay!" _Draco Malfoy _is the one who is supposed to be arrogant, not you! "Oh ya," said Hermione.

The author cannot be bothered to write what Hermione does for the rest of her holidays so she just skips ahead to September 1st, as everyone boards the Hogwarts express. Hermione runs to Harry and Ron and suddenly realizes that they are both HOTT (author decides to put in the double "T" for extra effect.) and they don't even recognize her. "It's me you morons," she says finally. "Oh, " chant Harry and Ron, since the author has decided to turn them into mindless muscle-machines to keep them out of the way of Hermione and Draco's fiery, angsty relationship that is yet to happen in later chapters. Hermione climbs on the Hogwarts Express and notices that Ron has the Head Boy badge. "Hey Ron, " she says, "How come you got Head Boy?"

"Huh? I dunno" replies Ron brainlessly.

Suddenly the Badge disappears right off Ron's chest and Draco Malfoy, in all his Sex God glory, enters the room. "What are you doing here?" asks Harry, a disturbed adolescent, who has no time for love, so that he doesn't stop Hermione from loving Draco.

"I'm supposed to take Hermione to the Head's carriage remember? So no one will witness our forbidden kiss?"

"Right," says Hermione, "Let's go."

Once they get there, Draco smirks. And smirks. And smirks. And smirks. And smirks.

"Will you stop doing that? It's freaking me out," says Hermione.

"It's supposed to make you think I'm sexy." States Draco without further ado.

"Right," says Hermione, "Come to me, sexy ferret."

Silence Crickets chirp. Chirp. Chirp.

Draco heads outside for a minute to wash and comb his sexy blond hair, so that the author can describe it a "soft and silky". "There," he says, "_Now, we_ can kiss."

"You're not supposed to say that" reprimands Hermione, "I'm just supposed to be attracted to you."

They lean in, Hermione staring into Draco's gray eyes…

Suddenly, the author remember that they should NOT snog, until at least the third chapter, so, forgetting how long it actually takes to get to Hogwarts, the author ends the train ride. Draco turns his blue eyes away. Apparently the author does not seem to remember that she just mentioned his eyes were gray. The author, by this point, is drooling over an imaginary character.

"'Mione, over here!" call Harry and Ron, using a nickname for her that has not been mentioned once, in the six books that have been written about Harry Potter. Hermione doesn't hear them because she is too busy being angsty and troubled about her feelings for Draco. Not looking where she is going, she trips over a vase and breaks her head. That was NOT supposed to be part of this story……..


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Never owned anything. Never will.

Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy have to share a room since, obviously, it is a Draco/Hermione fic and if they share a room there will be more room for "sexual tension".

The author describes in long, sickly sentences that he/she thinks are creative, how Draco and Hermione drool over their beautiful room and (secretly) each other. The next day, Hermione has to use the bathroom, to "beautify herself", but we all know that she just really has to pee. Predictably, there is only one bathroom, and our Slytherin Sex-God has been hogging it (Seriously, how gay is that?).

Hermione angstily flings open the door only to find Draco standing there in all his glory. Sickened, she turns her head away. "Pssst!" Draco whispers, "You're supposed to find me attractive, not repulsive!"

"Oh, right," Hermione resignedly looks at him with her eyes like two pools full of diarrhea.

He stares back with his cold, blue eyes (Do his eyes change color every five seconds?), without bothering to cover himself up. They continue to stare until Ron/Harry run in, interrupting an electrifying moment, of course, what do they know? They only exist in this story so that it can be called Harry Potter fanfiction and Hermione can have two best friends who happen to be guys.

Hermione chattered with Ginerva Weasley all the way to potions where the7y found a seat. When did "Ginny" become "Ginerva" and apparently the author has forgotten that Ginny/Ginerva is a year below Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Draco struts off to potions being his normal, arrogant self until he sees Pansy Parkinson…."Aaaaaaah!" he lets out a shrill, high-pitched scream and runs in the opposite direction to safety.

"Wait!" the author yells after him, "She's supposed to be your bitchy girlfriend!"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Do I even have to say it?

Hermione Granger bounced along to the common room. "Hi Harry! Hi Ron!" she squealed.

"Yo, sup?" asked Harry who was now ghetto and too broody and tormented to get in the way of Draco and Hermione's fiery, dramatic, angsty-author reaches for thesaurus-anguish-filled, long-suffering, grief-filled, distressing, forbidden, yet oh-so-romantic relationship. Suddenly she realizes that she has to go back to the room she shares with Draco. Yes, the author explains, she now calls him that as she is secretly lusting after him.

"Merlin, it's late!" Hermione exclaims.

"Bloody hell, it is!" says Ron, who, being utterly brainless cannot do anything more than drool over Hermione's new hotness and repeat everything she says, "Now you have to go back to that stupid git who is the biggest prat I have ever known."

The American author has now used up her quota of British-sounding vocabulary and therefore will have Ron repeating the same curses and words over and over again.

Hermione stepped into her Potions class and took her usual seat next to Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown…er, I mean Harry and Ron.

Snape now decides to assign everyone partners so that Hermione and Draco can be paired together and their study-sessions can be laced with "sexual tension". "Granger, you can be with Draco!" he announces gleefully.

Hermione gasps and her boobs, which are bigger than her head heave seductively as Ron looks at her appreciatively. "Yo, this wanka's starin' at ya, 'Mione," says ghetto Harry.

Hermione ignores him, as she is way too busy being sexily distressed….

"Quick, Dra-Malfoy," Hermione snaps snappily.

Oh, nice one, thinks the author, my vocabulary is really is improving.

"Ah, shut up Mudblood," he replies.

Hermione's chocolate/caramel/cinnamon/honey colored eyes tear up with unshed tears.

Author congratulates herself on her creative writing.

Draco is suddenly overcome with emotion and expresses his undying love for Hermione.

"Wait," says Hermione, "Will everyone accept us?"

"Who cares!" replies Draco, "I don't!"

So they run away, no, the author decides, _elope _to a really cool place: New York.

Yeah, the author thinks, that is way cool.

Harry decides to go with them on account of how he is now ghetto. He also doesn't seem to care that his best friend just ran off with his enemy. Anyway, Hermione and Draco live in a huge mansion with all the money that Draco inherited from his dad who suddenly dies and this is the end as the author is getting bored with this story and wants to start a new one involving Hermione suddenly becoming pureblood….yeah, _really_ original.


End file.
